Here I go again. I sit down to type some thoughts and soon get interrupted what seems like a million times, set the computer down, then never get back to finish the draft. I'm not sure this post will be any different. Today has been a struggle. Yes, and it's Monday. Maybe it's because I'm coming off the weekend where my husband was home to hold the baby and let me take a nap that today seems extra rough. I met our math tutor at our front door at 10 this morning...in my pajamas...again. Baby Joseph turned a month old yesterday, I thought I'd at least be showered by 10 when we are a month out! My laundry is piled up, my suitcase from being gone a week ago still sits in the middle of my bedroom floor--open, spilling out and unpacked. The kids at home have been on autopilot for days, your shoes would stick to my kitchen floor if you came for a visit, and I reach a crisis point when it's time to go pick up the oldest from high school because I still have a very fussy baby attached to my breast. Sorry if that word is inappropriate, as my daughter would say, for a blog, but it's true. I think Joseph is in a growth spurt or something because I feel like he's constantly attached and eating these past few days, leaving my chest to feel like it's been gnawed on by something other than a sweet little baby. No, he doesn't have teeth, I know. He just has a really strong grip when he cinches up with gas and gums down on me--ugh! If it's not a growth spurt, at least let me think it's one because if I think there is no end in sight I might just turn into a loon.
What I'm so frustrated about, though, is that I'm frustrated--when I'm in the middle of a season that I do treasure and want to thoroughly enjoy. I love getting the chance to encourage women in their frustrations, help them see the big picture--that housework and all that isn't getting done isn't as important as they think when they are in crazy seasons, not unlike mine. I have a friend who just adopted 3 kids to add to her 4 at home, and if you think my household is crazy, you should see hers! But its easy for me to tell her honestly that I think her letting her world go upside down and house get trashed, as well as her spending more time refereeing sibling spats than she does homeschooling or cleaning, is a beautiful testament to her caring for the things God cares about--7 very needy and very vulnerable children. And I mean it. But today, and most of the recent days quite frankly, the chaos is mine, and I'm going a little crazy. I feel like there isn't a second of the day to have alone without a little human (one I love madly and am so thankful for) hanging off me. And I'm bothered that physically I can't get to the pace I want to be at because the healing from pregnancy and delivery is taking longer this time around and throwing a few curves my way. So I'm mad that I'm mad, frustrated, impatient and selfish with what I know are some of the biggest blessings of my life. Why can't I find the big perspective quickly and be encouraged myself? Again...ugh!
So two verses have begun to play over and over in my mind today. I need to get them into my heart.
One is a verse I heard on the radio a few years ago in reference to childbearing, which had caught me off guard because I hadn't considered it in that context.
"This is my body, given for you." Luke 22:19
I hear this verse all the time when we go to celebrate communion at our church. Of course, Jesus said these words at the Last Supper, before He went to the cross and died a terrible death so that
He might take on the punishment for our sins, my sins, to offer us life. In no way does pregnancy and delivery come close to the magnitude of pain and suffering that He went through. But being willing to physically go through pain and scarring for the sake of bringing about life is no small task from our human perspective either, whether it be in pregnancy, or a soldier in battle for his country, or whatever form it takes. It's really hard in our culture, especially with the media in our faces, for me not to be painfully aware of the play-by-play of stars, royalty, and whoever our culture is fixated on as they become new moms and then read about how quickly they can take off pregnancy weight and be back in their bikinis on the beach, photo ready. I don't expect to pull that off by any shape or form. However, it's easy to become disappointed in my scars, stretch marks and post partum weight and shape, losing sight of the joy of the life that came about through my body, and yes, contributed to those things. I love that Jesus still has his scars in heaven. He isn't ashamed of them. We will see them as beautiful because of His great love and the agony He went through so that we might live. Can't I offer myself a little grace by embracing what seems ugly and feels painful as beautiful because of the gifts of the children that came out of it? Yes, I need to get there...and allow my body some extra time to heal.
And so I think of the other verse, obviously linked to the first:
"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought with a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Ouch. I'm sure my children wouldn't say I lived that one today! No, much of my day I spent whining inside because I just wanted my body and my emotions to have a reprieve...a break...a siesta. I really wasn't looking past my own nose to remember what Jesus has done for me and what He is asking me to do in this season, what He and only He has every right to ask. And what He's asking of me isn't exactly rocket science. In fact if it were, it would probably seem more exciting and much more impressive to write about. But what He is wanting is for me to love 7 children in the daily life of what can seem mundane. It's not hard stuff, filling sippy cups, teaching a child to read, nursing a hungry baby...but it is exhausting all the same, and probably in the end more important than I'll ever know. And so He doesn't leave me to do it on my own, as the verse says. I forgot that part today. He provides the strength for me to do it. And honestly, I'm not sure the things I had on my list for today are the things He had on His list for me today. Loving well, that is what His agenda is for all of us. Loving Him, loving others. In my case, it is loving the children He has put in my care. But as I look back, I didn't go to Him early enough today. I missed it. I didn't depend on Him or ask for His plan for my day, as well as asking for His mercy and strength to carry it out. I'm not my own. He is mine and I am His...and now as I reflect, I gladly put myself back in His care. His motive is LOVE towards me, towards my children. Even in the hard stuff, His dealings with me are out of LOVE. I know that to be true. And because of that, I can have a crappy day, just like today. A day where I do mess it up, a day when I forget to count my blessings and instead whine about my woes. It's not right, it needs to be repented of. But thankfully, He knows my sins, my weaknesses, my exhaustion--and loves me anyway. He has already provided a way for me from before time, and has mercy on me in the evening, even when I have made a mess of my emotions and my day. And what is funny, I am at the end of my thoughts for now and realize that I have had some time after all. The baby is still sleeping, quite unlike the rest of the day. I have had time to process. And the draft is done. So am I off to go mop my floors? No. I think instead I will gladly go snuggle with my kids.
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